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therapy helps

Let it be known that I am drunk. Today is Muskrat's 10th bday and he is with his day but not me because it is not my day to have him. We all had dinner at Miyako's, which is his fav place right now. It's hibachi.

I am angry at the things he will never get right, that he will never apologize for, that he will never fix.

I am angry at myself for making excuses for him for so long. For saying things were okay and letting him continue to hurt me even though emotionally I was at the end of my tether and my rope.

I am dissatisfied with the walls I've built around myself that do not let people in, including the people that I know love me for who I am, not what I can be for them.

I hate the way I've closed myself off to the relationships that had potential because I left no room for error or explanation.

Most of all I want to break things because I have never allowed myself to make mistakes and have only taken everything as a failure rather than a learning experience.

I am making this post public because I want to say these things out loud rather than hid behind anything available, like I have for years.


Feb. 9th, 2012 04:53 am (UTC)
Lordy girl. You have every right to be angry. It is one of the steps to recovery... Or something.

Love you!
Feb. 9th, 2012 04:59 am (UTC)
I had a really good session today. He wants me to make a list about the way I emotionally guard myself so we can talk about that next week. It's weird to hear someone say all these things that I already know but can't admit out loud.